Starboard

The sand follows
its own pace
Soon there’ll be no
time and space

If you should have
need for me
Just look starboard
There I’ll be

Sail upon
a ship of thieves
Falling of
the autumn leaves

I’ll be in the
Earth and Sea
Just look starboard
There I’ll be

Tears will fall
like summer rain
Simply think
of this again

If you should have
need for me
Just look starboard
There I’ll be

The Universe hands out an ass kickin' every once in a while

I am trying to change. Honestly, I am. I am trying not to allow my past to dictate my future. I am trying not to carry things forward that have no business being part of my life anymore. I am trying to become the person I know I am. But it's not easy.

I thought I was changing. I thought I was moving forward. I thought I was basically a good person. Now I think I may have been wrong.

Practicing compassion is difficult in a corporate-driven environment. It seems impossible not to get sucked into old behaviors because I am surrounded with the things that trigger those behaviors. It's not an excuse, but an explanation.

This is a place where I felt safe dropping by from time to time, writing what was on my mind and expressing myself accordingly. I don't always think through what I am writing, nor did I realize that what I was saying was being taken and repeated in certain circles. That I was being judged by what I wrote here. I am not looking for any sympathy. What was said wasn't entirely untrue. It gave me pause, that much is certain. I didn't realize the perception people had of me and it was a wakeup call.

I believe everything happens for a reason. There's a lesson here that I need to learn and it's obvious to me that I need to learn it NOW. So I am going to go work on that. Hopefully this is the last time the Universe has to kick me in the ass for the same dang thing that it's been kicking me for over the years.

Thanks for listening.

Today's Lesson

A negative comment can only impact you if it's true. Then it is no longer a "negative comment" but rather a lesson. You need to reflect on that. Why did it hurt you? What is it about yourself that you don't like? Do you act in a way that makes you feel poorly when you see the impact on other people? Do you feel that others are "judging" you based on a poor choice you made, something you said? Then you have to reflect on why you acted or spoke that way, make a conscious decision not to repeat the behavior and move forward. If an apology is in order, you need to do that.

Everyone makes mistakes, acts in a way they aren't proud of. The issue at hand is what are you going to do to correct it. Every mis-step is an opportunity to learn and to become a better person. It's not easy. But nothing worth doing is easy.

02/07/09

A life altering day. Amazing. Unbelievable. Surreal. I am truly blessed.

A Lama came from Tibet, offering Healings. I had no idea that I would not be the same person afterward. I was transformed. I find the things that used to matter now matter very little, if at all. Things that I often struggled to make work now come easily. I no longer see any point in anger. I realized that compassion is the key to everything. Happiness, fulfillment, spiritual growth, enlightenment. It was like getting Reiki from 10 people at once. A wave of peace and love and compassion and healing washed over me in that little room. I left feeling stunned and otherworldly. Every sense was heightened. I am aware of things previously hidden away. I feel like I am carrying a secret and that while I am not alone, I do not think there are many who would understand without having experienced it.

Others have noticed the change and for that I am grateful. He is returning in June, we are hoping. I will be among those there to experience what cannot be explained, nor measured, nor taken at face value.

Sometimes you need some perspective

We should feel only compassion toward those who inflict harm
upon one’s self and others
due to being overwhelmed by afflictive emotion.
May they find wisdom to see what is right and what is wrong.
May they learn to live in harmony by loving one another.
Through the power of truth and great compassion
of the awakened ones,
may soon the suffering and the stream of tears
come to an end
to the people from the land of snow.

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

Technology is great isn't it, folks?

So I am sitting at my desk, minding my own bidnizz and I decide to check my personal e-mail. I see that I have over 900 THOUSAND e-mails waiting for me and that my account has been suspended as a result. 900 thosuand messages? WTF, right?

So I can't use my e-mail for "up to 48 hours". Unfortunately, I have no idea when this happened and thus no idea when the supposed 48 hour time period will expire and I can get in there and clean up the mess. I sent them an e-mail and they are supposed to get back to me within 24 hours but since my e-mail isn't working I don't see how they're going to do that.

DAYUM!

Fuck this....

I was OK with turning 40 until about a week ago. Perhaps it seemed like a distant thing until then. Perhaps I thought that I would reach all the goals ( and then some ) that I had set for myself long ago. Because I haven't even come close, it's all starting to feel like I am being bowled over.

I didn't lose the weight. I didn't get an agent. I haven't found anyone. Three goals I set for myself 5 years ago. I'm still waiting.

Now I am in a situation where certain people treat me like I'm a fuckin' idiot half the time and then want something the other half. Completely forgetting the fact that they treated me like an idiot the day before, but that's to be expected. I am - quite frankly - sick and tired of helping people fudge their way through life and get all the reward with little or no work. The use my experience, knowledge and creativity on a regular basis like it's their fuckin' birthright. Meanwhile they roll their eyes and mutter sarcastic and disrespectful crap under their breath when they think I am not looking/listening.

I'm too old for this shit and too young to be this old.

Happenings...

To the few who still visit here and often muse about my absence, I apologize.

I refinanced my house in order to pay off my credit cards and do some renovations. Much needed renovations. Oh, you have no idea how much these renovations are needed. I am about ready to rip out the carpet, toss it on the front lawn and set it alight. That useless little cupboard/drawer/piece of countertop crap thing next to the stove? Don't get me started. I've hated that thing since the day I moved in. I started ripping out the cupboards in the kitchen but had to stop when I couldn't get the frame out.

I am chomping at the bit, money burning a proverbial hole in my bank account ( all the while there doesn't seem to be a helluva lot of interest accumulating - funny how that works ). I have a safety net but am somewhat petrified of using any of it for fear that I will lose control. I am afraid to be without money and afraid to have it. What the hell is that about?

I did book a little getaway to celebrate my 40th Birthday, which is looming in the not-so-distant future. I am taking a few of my friends to Canmore/Banff for a few days. It's not much but it will be enjoyable, I'm sure. I also booked the time off work, much to the surprise of my Creative Director, who just reminded me that I still have a half day left from 2008 that I haven't used yet.

I have barely started my second novel and have realized that I need to send out another round of inquiries to agencies. I can write all the books I want but it really is preferable to actually have an agent and the possibility of publication.

So a lot of irons in the fire and not much in the way of results as of yet. I am doing my best to be patient.